On March 14, 2013, I read something that had me in tears and had me admitting a hard truth to myself.
Literally 31 days later, I was signing W4’s and completing employment forms. I went back to being “employed” and, this is the part that surprised me most.
The story I was telling myself prior to taking the job had me feeling like an internet marketing failure.
Stopping isn’t the same as quitting. It’s more like gathering your wits and finding your bearings.
I JUST KNEW I was going to quit doing internet marketing because I still believed I couldn’t do both.
And for a while I did stop. But stopping isn’t quitting.
The story I was telling myself and that I allowed myself to believe – literally held me back from sense of relief, release, freedom and hunger, I hadn’t felt since I lost the job I never got the chance to start. (That’s a whole other story.)
Suffice it to say the fear, worry and stress created by a story I told myself, along with a healthy dose of shame mixed in for good measure, kept me stagnant for a couple of years.
And I didn’t WANT to see it. So to hide it even better, I added optimistically high hope to convince myself that I wasn’t cowering in fear.
You have to be willing to see the story for what it is.
My beliefs about myself were hot one moment and cold the next. This ensured that any action I tried to take was cancelled out quickly.
I was getting luck warm results at best with my online efforts.
That same optimistic hope kept me believing I was going to eventually find the single magic online bullet and strike it rich. (There is a single magic bullet called – work.)
And the most interesting thing about the entire experience is that – the fear of being employed morphed into a general fear of work.
And it was all in my mind.
Telling you this is triggering it’s own level of shame. I think, you’ll think …
And what I realize is that I don’t control or even own what you think.
We each own our own thoughts. But we don’t always have to believe everything we think.
I only own what I think. And I thought this way for years. I also struggled for years, not believing that what I want to achieve IS fully achievable and I have the strength, compassion, work ethic and desire to achieve it.
Now that I look back on things I’ve written and said, I realize I was trying to do this alone. And when I say alone, I mean without God and the love, especially the love. God is LOVE.
There was a large and growing weed of doubt, sucking all the nutrition rich joy of being in service to you out of me.
Well I’m chopping that weed down now. I’ll be digging out the roots as well. I’ll watch for suckers to pop up (because they will) and I’ll cut those down too.
I have no idea what God has in store for me but I know this …
Aren’t their voices lovely. What long held false story is stealing your joy?